Monday, March 12, 1832

1832 March

Monday 12

9 3/4

12 10/..

Fine but rather hazy morning, F 58° at 9 3/4 in my room and 43° at 10 35/.. in the balcony.

Did not get to sleep soon, but went on all the while repeating The Lord’s Prayer and thus fell asleep.  Awoke this morning at eight, thinking of her till I got up (when she tapped at my door, saying she was not quite dressed), but without tears or being much attendri. A great improvement. Surely I shall get over it by and by –

Breakfast at 10 55/.. Upstairs again at 11 40/.. 

I had had strength to be cheerful.  She consulted me about saying in her next letter to Lady Stuart that she should be June at home but could not hope to spend the winter in England. I hesitated a moment, then gently said this struck me as too much to say so soon and all at once.  She took it that I did not now want her to go. I quietly disclaimed this, and she herself could not deny that my reasons were good, but I was too sensitive, etc. etc.  Yet she owned I was always considerate of the feelings of others, never knew anyone moreso and, on my coming away, asked why I went so soon and drew her pen along her forehead as a sign for me to kiss it. I did not take it at first, then, kissing her, said I really did not understand.  It was stupidity.  Yes indeed, it was, said she, considering all that has past. Come, come, said I.  Considering all that has past here, I quick as lightning [said], I have no business to understand anything, and came away.  Now, said I to myself, that I can be cheerful and seem likely to get over it perhaps when she did not expect it, she can come round.  And now all she gets is Zam her.  But knelt down directly and said my prayers and thanks for my being so much better.  Shed tears over them, and then wrote the last 13 lines till 12 10/.. –

Thank God!  I feel better – Making little notes from Gibbon IX till 1 5/.. –

Out with Miss H- Hobart at 1 1/4 for just 2 1/2 hours – Walked along Ore lane to Ore Church and back by the London road – Rested 10 minutes at Mr. Wooll’s and home at 3 3/4 –

She lay on the sofa.  I made a point of going down to her and giving her hot sherry and water and doing all that was attentive.  I had been cheerful but perfectly proper in walking.  She took my arm great. I caught her part of the way back looking several times to see if I was looking at her, but no, I was not. Thank heaven I find now I can be in sufficient spirits without being perpetually overcome by my feelings. I kept thinking to myself, she has a zam bad temper.  Let her alone –

A little conversation on our  return.  She talked of going the thirteenth next month. This led to my saying, well then, I should stay till I had got all quietly done.  She hastily said that was very pretty; what did I mean, her to go by the stage.  Indeed she would not. She changed her tone on finding me quietly say I thought she had named it all to Lady Stuart and that she might have my carriage till met by Lady S’s.  Or, she had said before, she would hire one of Stevens.  It seemed she had merely said in joke. 

I thought of Southampton to miss the long quarantine.  She said I must go to London to see her people and talk it (Italy) over.  Oh, said I, I shall be better out of the way, but said I must write to Lady Gordon. I promised to do so before I fixed anything.  Well then, said she, don’t fix anything with her for the winter without mentioning me.  Say you cannot now fix beyond September. I said she should see the letter.  She said I was very good. Said I promised you should. I always keep my promises, but if Lady Gordon should spend the winter in Italy. Yes, said she, I know what you mean.  You tried to persuade me of that before. I just said, oh, it is really time for me to wash my hands (dirtied with orange) and civilly came away.  

On talking of leaving here, she had been almost in tears.  No such thing with me. I think she is rather sorry for herself.  She deserves it all.  Her wanting to go to London is mere selfishness and my talking seriously of  Dover is a blow to her.  Perhaps, too, she has some fear of Lady Gordon.  What a silly girl she has been. I am cool enough to mind what I say.  If she could get anybody else to take her half as cheaply to Italy, how she would catch at the offer to mortify? me.  Well, we shall see. –

Came upstairs at 4 35/.. Had my hair pinched and wrote the last 25 lines till 5 1/2 – Made a note or 2 from Gibbon till 6 – Dressed – Dinner at 6 1/2 in 35 minutes. Coffee at 8 – Played and won 2 hits at backgammon till 9 40/.. – Then in an hour, read aloud from page 94 to 134, Chapter 53, Volume X, Gibbon –

Came upstairs at 11 5/.. and to my room in about a minute – Very cheerful, but very proper. Talked of religion.  She thinks me sceptical.  I said no, but perhaps having rather an Arian tendency.  Allusions on both sides to the Pett business.  She praised my temper, and said I should forgive even seven times a day.   I said Sibbella did not do as she, Miss H-, did.  But thank heaven, I am comfortably careless about her at least just now –

Fine but hazy day – F 59° now at 11 25/.. p.m. in my room and 41° at 12 10/.. in the balcony – 

 

WYAS Finding Numbers SH:7/ML/E/15/0037 and SH:7/ML/E/15/0038