Monday, October 8, 1832

1832

October

Monday 8

7 35/..

12

Damp and rainy and Fahrenheit 57° at 7 35/.. –

Out at 7 40/.. – Down the old bank to Stony Royde at 8 1/4 – breakfast over, but brought in again for me – Mrs. Rawson very glad to see me – Sat with her till 10 10/.. – Mrs. Clarke took off with her a fortune of five and twenty thousand pounds.  Christopher Rawson was told by her just before the sale of the Walker navigation shares she would not marry, he might count upon it, [for] seven or eight years, or else John Rawson would have bought the shares.  Doctor better informed.

Jeremiah Rawson commissioned Mrs. Priestley to tell me he should be glad to steward for me.  Said we should have got on very well together, but he was too late, and laughed and said Miss Walker had provided me so that I had never seemed to be without steward – Joked and told her to take care of Frank Rawson against Kennys and Clarkes, as I meant to take the best [care] I could of my sister –

From Stony Royde went to the philosophical and natural history museum to ask about paying my subscription – 1st time of my ever going there – Only one room fitted up, but nice enough – I must give some sort of thing towards the collection – Perhaps this will interest me some time or other – The naturalist not there, only his wife in charge of the room at that early hour –

Then called and sat 1/2 hour with Mrs. Veitch, and called to inquire after my late Steward’s widow and staid 1/4 hour and was as kind in my manner as I could [be]–

Then to Throp’s – above 2 hours there, giving him a tolerably large order for evergreens and shrubs and a few trees etc. to be sent to Shibden by noon tomorrow week –

Passed the old church at 1 10/.. and up the old bank and at Lidgate in 40 minutes – Merely went to excuse myself from breakfast there tomorrow, not meaning to stay many minutes, but Miss Walker glad to see me – Dined with her and she kept me till 6 20/.. –

On getting up this morning, saw that my cousin was come very gently, but put nothing on and determined to put off breakfasting with my friend for two or three days.  Agreed on Thursday, which will do well enough. 

She thinks me over head and ears in love with her, as indeed my manner indicates.  She is evidently pleased by my attentions, excited, and gives me all possible encouragement short of legitimate hope, but I think she is in for it and if I can only do moderately enough for her, her answer may perhaps be yes after all.  However, I shall in reality take it composedly anyway.  I now incline to risk trusting myself and doing my best for her the first night I have an opportunity – ’tis evident she will throw no obstacle in my way.  

We had a good deal of talk.  I said happiness was, in well bred minds, more mental than  in others.  If such was or could be her feeling, and she could give up the thought of having children, perhaps she might be happy with me, etc. etc. Talked a little of the odd things abroad.  Said I had been a good deal humbugged by the little French countess, and let her understand I had come in twenty eight and been a year away from my aunt to get out of the way.  Talked of there being no chance of my marrying, but I saw she did not quite enter into this in spite of all the hints it seemed safe to give.

Kissing and pressing her as usual.  She put the blind down. Lucky. James had come in on trivial errands twice and Mrs. Priestley came at four.  I had jumped in time and was standing by the fire, but Ann looked red and I pale and Mrs. P must see we were not particularly expecting or desiring company.  She looked vexed, jealous, and annoyed, and asked in bitter satire if I had been where I was ever since she left me there.  No, said I, I only ought to have been.  My aunt had been quite in a host of miseries, Mrs. Priestley said, as if turning it all on this.  Yes, she was quite vexed with me. I laughed and said I really did not intend doing so again.  ‘Yes,’ she replied angrily, ‘ you will do the same the very next time the temptation occurs.’  Plain proof, thought I, of what you think, and that you smoke a little.  I parried all with good humour, saying that I really must stay all night.  She only staid a few minutes, and went off in suppressed rage, probably giving me far more credit than I deserved for plotting the visit of yesterday and being there all today and having refused breakfasting with her, not to go to Stony Royde but be with Miss W.  Mrs. P now probably believes her confidence is secure, me insincere, and the Lord knows what.  Miss W laughed and said we were well matched.

 We soon got to kissing again on the sofa.  She said I looked ill.  I denied, then said if I did look so, I knew what would cure me.  She would know what.  Said I really would not, could not, tell her.  At last I got my right hand up her petticoats, and after much fumbling, got through the opening of her drawers and touched, first time, the hair and skin of queer.  She never offered the least resistance in any way, and certainly shewed no sign of its being disagreeable.  However, having not uttered before, I now fell upon her neck, seemed sickish, just whispered that I could not stand it, and stood leaning my head on my hand or her shoulder, till apparently composed.  Then entreated her forgiveness in general terms, saying she behaved beautifully.  No, she said, she knew she led me on. I would deny this, though owning that I was, of course, sure she cared for me.  Oh yes, said she, or should we go on as we do?  In fact, she likes my attentions, and the first night of my being there will give me all I am able to take.

When dusk, she asked (I had said I was at no time likely to marry.  How far she understood me I could not quite make out.) ‘If you never had any attachment, who taught you to kiss?’  I laughed and said, how nicely that was said.  Then answered that nature taught me.  I could have replied, and who taught you?  She told me, as she had done yesterday, that she had always a fancy for me and thought how much she should like to know me better – She seems to relax a little on the subject of my having no hope.  Says she will think, and afterwards said, tho I seemed to take no notice, it would depend upon whether the Ainsworths would come to Cliff Hill

Left Lidgate at 6 25/.. and home at 7 in spite of heavyish rain and a strong driving wind full against me – Almost blown off the causeway 5 or 6 times, and could hardly get in at our own gate – Yet the tartan cloak Miss W- lent me kept me tolerably dry – Changed my clothes – and dinner at 7 35/.. –

For 3 or 4 minutes before dinner and immediately afterwards with my aunt and father – Told them the adventures and news of the day, and how I had been at Lidgate yesterday and today – And told my aunt how cross Mrs. William Priestley looked, and that I really thought Miss W was veering about a little, and might perhaps, after all, give up Cliff Hill.

Came to my room at 10 20/.. – Damp rainy morning till 7 1/2 – Afterwards fine day till between 4 and 5 p.m., then rain and thoroughly rainy for the rest of the day and evening, and rainy night – Sat up preparing for my cousin and washing out stains done since dinner –

 

WYAS Finding Numbers SH:7/ML/E/15/0129 and SH:7/ML/E/15/0130