Sunday, March 11, 1832

1832 March

Sunday 11

9 25/..

1 20/..

Restless night – Feverish and not well this morning. – In tears last night and first this morning.  Cannot get rid of this wretched business.  How much more it affects me than I thought of its doing.  It haunts me and makes me wretched. –

Finish morning,  F 58° at 10 in my room and 42° at 10 1/2 in the balcony – Breakfast at 10 35/.. – Miss Hobart had had an answer from Mr. Sullivan and Mr. Frampton to her last letter to each – Mr. S‘s far from satisfactory.   

We both went to Church – Mr. West preached 28 minutes from psalms 38, verse 18.  Came home for 5 minutes, and then from 1 10/.. to 2 10/.. walked up and down along the part of the East hill behind All Saints Street –

Staid downstairs reading the newspaper till 3 20/.. – Then put up my hair and lay down at 4, but did not sleep – my mind too unquiet –

Miss H- came to me twice with her letter to Mr. Frampton.  This roused [me], and as soon as she left me the last time (she said how good I was to her, too good for her but not for this world) got up at 5 50/.. and wrote the above of today –

Dressed – Dinner at 7 10/.. in 1/2 hour.  Music – I asleep on the sofa till 9 – Then coffee, then Miss H- writing her journal and I making little notes from Gibbon Volume 9 till very near 11 –

Came upstairs at 11 20/..and wished goodnight; immediately in my own room for fear, as I said, of staying too long in hers.  We had just had a little explanation. I repeated her saying about safety and my manner (see the very top of the last page), saying I really could not quite understand it.  She said she did not understand it herself!  And why did I think of it.  She said she did not say much, but what she did say was always wrong.  I remarked that the saying was really a very odd one, but that she constantly gave me thoughts and motives that did not belong to me.  

I hoped I could not be less safe with anybody else, for surely it would be impossible to make a worse hit.  Others had not mistaken me so and I had always been natural.  Mariana had not noticed things as she, Miss H-, had done, nor had Sibbella.  This last she was for not believing, till she saw perhaps my change of countenance and said she was sure Sibbella would not like them any better than she, Miss H-, did but she would not behave in the same way.  But we, Miss H- and I, were so ill suited we could not amalgamate.  Well, said I quietly, you persuade me to think so too.  

However, on my wishing her goodnight, she said she was very sorry and the thing made her unhappy.  Oh, said I, don’t let it do that.  I saw her eyes almost filling, but she left me hastily, rang her bell, and probably the unhappiness would soon pass away. But mine, in spite of her bidding me not think of it and wondering why I do, must be a deeper and more lasting feeling.  She would break with me without much trouble were her interest less concerned.  Surely the measure of my wounded pride is almost . . . Surely I can yet make exertion enough to throw off my present womanish weakness and be free.  Try once again if I can in any way profit by her acquaintance.  Have I not a right to do so.  Do this coolly and calmly.  

May her empire over me be gone forever and may she be happy in the change she makes in me.   Never were affections so thrown away as mine.  Let Pett be my watchword.  Let me drive her from my heart.  Let me rouse my slumbering energies and be myself again. Come, come.  Nil desperandum.  

Hurry into bed and sleep and heaven grant I may be refreshed and strengthened for my purpose.  Write to Lady Gordon and arrange some plan with her?

Wrote the last 25 lines till 12 25/.., at which hour, F 63° in my room.  Fine day, not much but wind northeast and frostyish air – F 39° at 1 20/.. tonight in the balcony –

Walked hurriedly up and down my room till one to cool my eyes after crying bitterly over fervent prayer to heaven, which, however, did me good --

WYAS Finding Number SH:7/ML/E/15/0037