Tuesday, March 13, 1832

 1832 March

Tuesday 13

8 50/..

1 20/..

Fine but hazy morning. F 57° at 9 1/2 in my room and 43° at 10 in the balcony –

Letter from Mariana, Cheltenham, of Saturday 10th instante mense, 3 pages and ends and a few lines of crossing on the 1st page – the Misses Morritt and Goodricke decline being introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Ackers – Much about M-’s goddaughter, little Mariana, changing her school – ‘I cannot fancy we can arrange any plan of meeting better than by your coming to me either at Lawton or Leamington. As to the stay of the bug that is altogether forgotten, and really and truly, I think, need not influence you. I would not say this, if I thought otherwise.  But does it not appear to you that there would be some difficulty in my properly arranging to go either from Lawton or Leamington by the coach?  If we went to town I might manage it better.  It would be more easy to return home than to start from thence. What think you.’ Mr. Lawton had looked at a house 1 1/2 miles from Cheltenham, £450 rent – which he thinks too much – M- would not object – I think I shall not go either to Lawton or Leamington –

Letter also from Lady Stuart, bill for the cloth and recipe for the cholera enclosed in a 1/2 sheet of which 1 page written full – Merely (and spite of my last letter) to ask if I can stay here longer than the 1st of April, hoping I will if I can – Shewed the Letter (down to breakfast at 10 1/4 upstairs again at 11 25/..) to Miss Hobart, saying I should probably leave here on the 23rd of April, Monday, and she could take the carriage the Friday before as far as till Lady S-’s carriage met her – How very odd you are, said she hastily, to go by Dover.  Then checked herself when I quietly said I did not like the cholera, should not embark in London, should therefore have one hundred and forty instead of forty miles to go.  She wanted me to arrange with Lady S her going to Italy. Ah, said I, I have already so burnt my fingers in that business, I think I shall be better out of the way.  She said, you are cunning to have cholera for an excuse.

Miss H- had had a letter from Mr. Stuart to say he should be here today by a coach that left Brighton at 9 a.m. this morning – Then he must come in a little one horse passenger van – I joked and said what fun it would be to walk and meet him – I could be taken up, by the way, and he would never recognize me. Miss H- doubted I was positive, and said, I could even deceive you.  Oh how I could pother you if I liked.  Yes but, said she quickly and earnestly, I should hate you if you did.  Her real affection for me is probably less than for what I can do for her.  This going by Dover is not quite what she likes or expected –

Wrote the above of today till 12 1/4 – Then wrote 3 pages of 1/2 sheet note to Lady S- – Gave it to Miss H- to read, who thought it strong for me, but quite approved –

Then out with Miss H- – Walked up and down behind the houses of All Saints Street and went to Mr. Wooll’s – A little allusion to the Pett business.  She said, perhaps I should go with her to Tunbridge and to see the place [?] the return of the carriage.  I hesitated, then said I did not think I had courage after having so lately behaved so ill. Thought I, then she would get all paid to Tunbridge and back, which is what she wants.  Some time after, I said she might as well go on a Monday, then she could see battle.  Oh no, she could not by herself.  But we might over some day.  Ah, said I, I was bold about this at first but I think I dare not now. I can go by Sechyhead and then you can take the carriage and go.  That will not seem strange, and I always attend to the seeming. I will try, and by and by I shall be able to rough off the asperities of my asperities.  No, no, said she, ’twas not the asperities, it was the douceurs she wished to get rid of.  I promised to try and pare down my care for her to a reasonable size.  Oh, she did not want that. If I could not do it without that, nevermind, adding, leieu vaut la chandelle.  True, thought I, and I shall not forget it.  French proverb is Le jeu n’en vaut pas la chandelle – I had repeated her saying if I pothered her, she should hate – adding, well, I cannot say the same in return. I cannot hate you.  You are plus forte que moi.  What a way to be stronger! said she. 

We afterwards talked on in different subjects, both apparently in very cheerful spirits but I think she was vexed at heart, and when I afterwards had and took the opportunity of saying, well, I declare, I shall begin not to care.  That’s right, said she, I shall be glad of that, and you will say ‘who cares.’ That’s good, said I, and will make a better motto for a seal than no lime tangere and you will have chosen them both.  So things are come to this, she had said, if I would not do battle, she would be good.  Oh no, said I, that won’t do.  It is I who must be so.  It is your suffering and my safety that frightens me.  

As the time of our parting draws so near, the terms we are now on seem hopeless enough. I really can say Zam her.  Surely my care really will go by. Le jeu vaut la chandelle –

Came in at 2 20/.. – had my hair put in wires and meant to have gone out again but somehow sat down to my journal and till 3 40/.. , wrote the last 32 lines – Mr. Stuart arrived at 3 5/.. – Sat musing for 1/2 hour – Doubting whether to send my note to Lady Stuart or not – At all rates, the following is a copy of it –

‘Hastings Tuesday 13 March 1832 –

‘Thank you very much, my dear Lady Stuart, for the recipe for cholera, and for the bill and receipt – Cholera will not, I hope, visit us here; but it is best to be prepared – I own I have no wish to run into the way of it; and the thought has occurred to me more than once of avoiding London altogether, and going from here direct to Dover –

‘I see it has escaped you, that I mentioned in my last letter having no idea of leaving here so soon as the 1st of next month,  – not before the 9th or 10th, – but that, as you wished it, I would certainly stay as long as I could – Vere was talking of, and fixing the 13th only yesterday – I told her I could stay longer, but left her to arrange the matter with you – I have no wish to be off before the 23rd, in which case, should I go by Dover direct, Vere can take the carriage and George to within reach of you, and send them back in time for me –

‘I shall be very very sorry, dear Lady Stuart, if I do not see you; but I confess, I am not bold against the cholera – besides, I shall be spared the pain of giving you a far less good account of Vere than we had hoped – The expectoration has certainly not been better of late – her own opinion of herself seems much changed, what has been said to her here seems to have made a deeper impression than I at 1st, or indeed till very lately, thought it had; and it really strikes me that, if she had thought last year as she does now, she would have passed the winter in Italy –

‘She has just had a letter from Mr. Stuart, today he has got a day’s leave, and will be with us to dinner today – We have set our maids to work to make cholera belts, and in all way to take the best care of ourselves we can –

‘Believe me, my dear Lady Stuart, always very truly and affectionately yours, 

‘A Lister’ –

Had just written so far (having had some doubts of sending the above on account of what is said of Dover, though Miss H- did not guess this was the reason) when Miss H- came to me, and I said at once, I had made up my mind not to send my letter to Lady Stuart. She agreed it was perhaps too strong, and that perhaps it was better not to send it –

She read me at my request her own letter, saying to Lady Stuart I was so very good, I should make my plans, whatever they might be, bend to hers in future. I said nothing, but in my heart,  Zam her.  She asked, is that right.  Oh yes, said I quietly.  Alas, what waste of time and thought and energy and regard on my part. Le jeu n‘en vaut pas la chandelle but want some certain respectable society for a little longer.  It would be folly to throw away in a pet or for a few pounds any advantage to be gained, and I will try and act warily. I will throw her off as soon as I can better myself or do without her –

’Tis just striking 5 – Had my hair dressed and went downstairs at 5 1/2 and sat talking till after 6 – Dressed – Dinner at 6 40/..  – Sat some time after dinner and all came away together – Coffee between 8 and 9 – Afterwards tea – Talking of travels – Mr. Stuart gave me list of Inns for Germany and books for Italy and mentioned his projected northern tour in 4 months and 10 days from 25 July next – Hamburg, Copenhagan, Stockholm, St. Petersburg, Moscow, Warsaw, Cracow, Vienna, Ratisbon, Strasburg, Paris, London.  All very agreeable.  He still looks with lovelike eye on Miss H-, and she with occasional downcast glance.  Amused me.

Came upstairs at 11 35/.. Miss H- came to my room and staid with me 10 minutes – Talking of the Italian plan. I am to have a little tête-à-tête with him tomorrow after breakfast and say what I like about her.  She kissed me and we seemed very good friends.  How, said I to myself as she left me.  She suspects my real feeling towards her affection is in the wane, and she will soon not beat me in consideration of self interest.  She can look sweet upon Mr. Stuart and smile on me too to gain her purpose. The moment I care not a straw for her, I can manage well enough –

Fine day but rather hazy – F 60° now at 12 20/.. in my room and 39 1/2 at 1 in the balcony – Fine moonlight night --

WYAS Finding Numbers SH:7/ML/E/15/0038 and SH:7/ML/E/15/0039