Sunday, January 17, 1836

1836

January

Sunday 17

8 10/..

11

No kiss. Ann in good sorts.

Dressed Ann’s back.  All but well – Ready in an hour and at breakfast at 9 10/.., at which hour, F 38° and fine, frostyish morning, but the sun out and thawed the flags –

Sat reading downstairs till 11 3/4 from page 109 to 126 Milne Edwards’ Éléments de Zoologie –

Read prayers in 23 minutes, Ann and I, to my aunt (in bed) and our 4 servants till 12 50/..

Read from page 35 to 68, Holland’s Experimental Inquiry into the Laws of Life till 1 10/.. –

Then dressed, and after waiting a few minutes, went to see if Ann was ready.  All wrong about going to church in the yellow carriage.  Would not go at all.  Said I was very sorry, but really she had consented to it.  No, she knew nothing about it, and I had promised never to ask her again to go to church in yellow carriage.  

Why, said I, you know I explained the necessity of using it sometimes now that we took no journeys, and I mentioned using it every third Sunday and thought she agreed to this and was satisfied.  No, she understood we were to make the next call in this carriage.  Yet she could not deny what I had said about the once in three weeks.  

Very well, said I, I am sorry I have been so mistaken.  Shall I order the horses to be put to the other carriage.  No, said she, I can order for myself.  The yellow carriage used to stand much longer unused.  True, I replied, but then it was when it had been knocked up so as to want repair, and I put these off till just before I should want the carriage again.

 But will you go to any other church.  ‘No, I will order for myself.  I can go somewhere.’  I replied calmly, no, you cannot very well order for yourself.  Well but, said she, I used to do.  Yes, I answered, but that was when you were by yourself.  However, I have been anxious only for your happiness and you say very easily get rid of me, but I will keep up appearances.  I will not go without you (she had at first said I had better go by myself).  I will send the horses back.  

On this, she said nothing, but began to get ready to go.  I wanted her to put on my woollen boots to keep her feet warm, but this she would not do.  I am sorry, said I, you will not do what I ask you, and came away.  

Not a word passed in the carriage till after waiting at the school door twenty minutes, reading.  She rejoined me and put out her hand, saying ‘Will it be accepted.’  Yes, certainly, but we will not talk about it now as we are going to church – 

My mind had been full of her and getting rid of her.  Thought of her buying Home house, Mr. Armytage’s, and then she might go there during her aunt’s life.  I will pay her thousand pounds and have done with her.  

Why should such a temper pother me?  I felt the blood in my head, and felt unwell and uncomfortable.  If the growing affection I had for her did not give way, I should be miserable.  

Mr. Fento did all the duty – Preached 22 minutes from Mark, verse 34. 

Called and sat an hour at Cliff hill till 5 1/4 – Mrs. Ann Walker in good spirits and glad to see us – Talked more to me than usual –

Home at 5 40/.. – Dressed.  Dinner at 6 1/4 – Coffee – Ann and I went to my father and Marian at 7 1/4 – Ann sat 35 minutes and then went to my aunt – I sat with my father and Marian till 8 1/2, skimming over the newspaper – Then to my aunt and sat with her till 9 1/2.

Very civil to Ann, but I had kept up my gravity.  On leaving the dining room, she gave me a kiss, which I returned kindly, but said nothing.  She thinks, perhaps, she has done enough.  It is my turn to make the advance. No, no.  This work is too frequent and too tiresome.  I have no hold of her for long.  I have seen from a thousand trifles that she feels no indissoluble tie.  I have for months joked her about meum and tuum.  She shall have her way.  I will keep up appearances as well as I can, but I will help her to get rid of me as well as I can.

F 38° at 9 1/2 p.m. fine morning – Finish day, thaw at night –

Sat with Ann from 9 1/2 p.m. to 10, but sat reading 1 thing or other –

 

WYAS Finding Number SH:7/ML/E/18/0162

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