Friday, December 29, 1826

1826

December

Friday 29

8

11 55/60

Fine frostyish morning Fahrenheit   40°              at       9 50/60       a.m.

                                                          42               –        11                  –

                                                          43 1/2         –        1 3/4           p.m.

                                                          46               –        2 1/4  –       (darkish).

                                                          45               –        10 1/2 –

Came to my room at 9 5/60 – Finished dressing – Breakfast at 10 1/4 – Read the paper –

Wrote under the seal of my letter to Mariana a thermometrical account of the weather with short observations from Friday 15th instante mense up to this morning at 11 a.m., and sent off my letter, 3 pages the ends and under the seal, all very small and close, to Mariana, ‘Lawton Hall, Lawton, Cheshire, Angleterre’ at 11 35/60. 

Very affectionate letter – The world might read it, but there are a few sentences, though not too kind, yet rather too explanatory – She will surely be satisfied on the subject of Miss MacLean – Say that it is clear the comparisons I have made must have been in Mariana’s favour, or I should [not] have decided as I have done – Own my high admiration of Miss MacLean, but ask, am I certain that nearer intercourse could never lower her in my opinion? No!  She herself often says and laments that my estimate is too high – Perhaps it may – perhaps it must be so – But I wish not to be undeceived – On relative situations, do not require it –

With Mariana, how different! we must know each other as we are, that there may be no unreasonable expectations on either side which it would be impossible to fulfil – Satisfied with what Mariana said at M- on leaving Buxton – She has ever since followed up this train of sentiment in word and deed, and it is enough – Her mind takes a tour when with me of which perhaps she is not fully aware, and with which I am fully satisfied – She may mend the spell of romance, and make it as good as new again – She has nothing to fear, except in imagination from Miss MacLean or Mrs. Barlow – She needs not the assistance of the former, or of anyone to make me happy – She is all I wish her to be except in health –

Advise her to try the effect of wearing her stays looser – More than usual tightness may occasion the burning pain succeeded by sickness of which she complains.  

Thought of her on Christmas day – Her letter had given me new life – ‘My child’ too childish – Mrs. Barlow too dull’ –

Mentioned our dinner and how we had to wait – Had had another talkation with McDonald on Monday – Had mentioned her taking the ale at Shibden – Her prevarication – My loss of confidence – Probable determination to talk to her no more – Could scarce endure her – Had told Miss MacLean of her being occasionally oddly confused, whether from something on her mind or in her blood, I could not tell – But we should go on as we did, and begged her not to name it –

Tell Mariana what Madame Huchez’s young partner says – Advise her to have 2 gowns – 1 nodée, 1 plain –

In conclusion add, ‘I may and do lament that Fortune has denied me that which you must value on earth’ – (top of page 3 of Mariana’s letter) – ‘Do have the goodness to banish immediately from your mind so impudent an untruth – Store your mind with firmness and with fortitude – elevate it by reflection and the love of right, and self-confidence will soon follow, and, with it, that high, interior dignity which, after all, forever charms us most, and wins, even from the world, its warmest praises and its best esteem –

‘Mary! Look within and around you – Then say, who has a heart whose best affections are better returned than your own – Who has ampler means of being happy? – Save in health, you are all that satisfies that one who is, now and forever, very especially and entirely yours – ’

Immediately after sending off my letter, i.e. from 11 35/60 to 1 25/60, wrote all but the first 4 1/2 lines of yesterday and so far of today –

From 1 1/2 to 2 10/60, making alterations in my general daybook on account of Mrs. Barlow’s having some days since paid me the 3/60 for a fiacre entered Friday the 8th instante mense – I have had plenty of scratching out and altering in all my account books of this year – Surely I shall have less of this work in future –

Mrs. Barlow called at 1 50/60; shewn in to my aunt –

Went out at 2 35/60 – 10 minutes talking to my aunt and Mrs. Barlow, then went out with the latter – We walked to the barriere de l’Etoile – Took a turn round the garden and grounds of M. Etienne, then a turn backwards and forwards in the avenue de Neuilly, then to Quai Voltaire No. 15 – Mrs. Barlow walked back with me as far as the Bains Vigier on our side, then I returned with her.  Went upstairs with her to her room for 1/2 hour, and got home in 1/4 hour at 6 10/60 –

We had, in returning, got on the subject of my giving her back her letters.  I plainly said I would not without she gave me mine.  She said I had promised, I suspected her, was unkind, ungenerous, etc. etc.  She railed against π [Mariana] seeing her letters.  I told her a suspicious person was to be suspected.  I had thought ever since last night of her telling me about denying in three years that I had ever loved her.  She cried, raved, whined, coaxed.  Would turn back with me from her own gate.  She cried and roared all the way, and we talked so earnestly, the people must observe us.  

When I went upstairs with her, the scene continued. I said I had suffered enough from letters.  Mentioned the case of Eliza Raine, and said we could not answer for ourselves.  Then she wheedled, and at last, to get away more quietly, I let her fancy she had perhaps persuaded me to let her keep her letters for me.  Why so keep.  To have both mine and her own.

I will be determined she shall either return me mine or I will not return hers.  Tis true I think it not prudent to trust her.  She may do as she likes, I will be firm that it was of as much consequence to me as to her that π, above all people, should not see either her letters or mine.  It would make a pretty blowup if she did.  I shall make this the means of shewing Mrs. Barlow she is merely as my mistress, and that I am firmly bound to π. 

What can the woman mean by all this raving.  She says she would not care what the world thought of but for Jane’s sake – In saying I should not like the chance of her aunt’s seeing my letters, my prejudice was against her.  She was too calculating.  She said she was now all my friend, all for me, for Mrs. Barlow’s taking me and not Mr. Bell.  They are a queer set,  I think. But I will have my letters or keep Mrs. Barlow’s in spite of all her tears and raving and coaxing –

Hurried home to dinner – Dinner at 6 20/60 – Went into the drawing room a little before 8 – Fell asleep, and slept till 10 – Then came to my room –

By the way, Mrs. Barlow asked me this morning to go to the Théatre Français with her and Jane and Monsieur and Madame Ponciègle, which I declined –

From 10 to 10 1/2 wrote the last 24 1/2 lines –

Very fine day –

WYAS Finding Numbers SH:7/ML/E/10/0037 and SH:7/ML/E/10/0038