Thursday, December 28, 1826

1826

December

Thursday 28

6 3/4

1 3/4

very fine frostyish Fahrenheit   37°              at                 8                a.m.

                   morning  –           41 1/2             –                 12              p.m.

                                                __                __               3 1/2  ­­          __

                                                37 1/2         at                 12               midnight

My bowels quite right this morning – I do believe it was the tightness of my stays that disordered them –

In my salon at 7 55/60 – From 8 to 10 20/60 writing to Mariana.  Breakfast at 10 20/60, then read the whole of the paper of today and yesterday, which took me till 12 – Then finished dressing –

At my desk again at 12 1/2 – 1/2 hour reading over all I have written to Mariana – The  whole 2 3/4 pages very small and close – From 1 to 3 10/60, finished page 3, and wrote the ends of my paper very small and close to Mariana, then washed etc.

Went to speak to my aunt, and set off (to dine with Mrs. Barlow) at 4 –

I had before sent George with the remainder of the bonbons of Monday for Jane, and an iced plum cake (of 7/.) for Mrs. Barlow on her birthday – She wondered why I had sent it – not obliged to me at all – I had sent a cake to Madame Galvani – Could not bear to be treated like other people – Cared for nothing to eat – Explained that it was customary enough to give a plum cake on a birthday – Certainly had never dreampt that because I had sent a cake to Madame Galvani I therefore ought or ought not to send one to Mrs. Barlow.  Would do so no more – nor ever give her anything eatable –

Dinner at 5 1/2 or perhaps 5 3/4 – peas soup – vol-au-vent, filet de bœuf piqué, gateau de rie, and a crême glacé (ice), the four last from a traiteur and respectively 5/. 6/. 4/. and 5 or 6/. – For dessert, a plate of raisins and blanched almonds, St. Germain pears at 4 sols each, little almondy drop cakes (stale) and nice and savory biscuits – Beaune rouge at 4/. and claret from Madame Droz’s friend, Mr. Lambert, at 3/., good of its kind –

Madame Alexandre, her late porter’s wife (her husband a joiner – ordered a pasteboard and rolling pin) retained to wait – What nonsense! and so I told Mrs. Barlow, who said she thought I liked a good dinner, and was determined to see what she could do – It was meant to return the dinner she had with us.  I saw thro this.  The feeling was not thoroughly ladylike.  It had too much of the not bearing to be outdone, and after all it was hugger.  Poor Madame cidevant porteress being shockingly gauche.  Potter came in at first and set the dishes on wrong. Mrs. Barlow huffed, and she appeared no more.  I cannot think Mrs. Barlow good tempered.  Thought I, all this would never suit me.  

Jane had scarce swallowed her soup before she was called off to go to the play with the family below, Mr. and Madame and Mademoiselle Ponciègle –

I took a little Beaune and water (very dear at 4/.  Like ours as well at 2/.), four glasses of the thin claret, and we went to the drawing room at 6 3/4 – I had really had too much dinner and felt oppressed by it – But she sat on my knee and I had soon the right middle finger up as usual, and she said she came down better to me and felt more than she had yet done since my return tho she had been poorly all the week and thought she could do nothing for me.  She said she felt more when sitting on my knee.  When my thigh was next to her, the feel of it went thro her –

We had tea about 8 – then at her again, then rested and at her again, having latterly both second and first finger up.  Being too full of dinner, it was really an exertion to me and, in fact, the pleasure to me is not much; merely the excitement of exciting her and having a woman to grubble who likes it so well.  I almost feel as much now at the moment of writing as when with her.  

Towards eleven, she began to be pathetic and cry a little.  We must part.  She felt as a wife, but what was she, etc. etc.  Wanted her letters; not safe with me, surrounded as I was with friends.  Alluded to π [Mariana].  If I died, my aunt would give her all my papers to read.  Said I would pledge my existence that whatever might be π’s curiosity, I could leave one of Mrs. Barlow’s letters open before her a whole day and she would not read a line of it. Mrs. B said she was a woman and she would not believe.  Said I, come, come.  Give the devil his due.  She said I loved π, might praise her as I liked, but why should she, Mrs. B, say what she did not think.  

'Said I would give her her letters by and by.  She must give me mine.  No, were quite safe. Her aunt was too blind, could not read them nor would she if she could. I thought they ought on both sides to be burnt.  Mrs. B said mine could do no harm.  People might read and not understand them.  I protested they were such as a husband would write, but for myself individually I cared not.  The world would not blame me so much as Mrs. B.  They would commit her much more than me.  I could not have written such without encouragement.  

She said her aunt would forgive her if she knew what had passed, but she would be angry at her going on with it when I was engaged to another.  But I had said we could not go on as we did and she had rather I sinned with her than with another.  ‘But if I have not your letters I have nothing.  Three years hence, you may say you never loved me.  You have your journal.  I could gain nothing by shewing your letters or boasting of your love for me.’  I merely answered, no, certainly not, and declared it was impossible, I could never deny my regard for her.  But these words of hers sank deep in my heart.  I mused on them all the way home and determined I never would give her her letters without getting back my own –

Jane returned at 11 40/60 – The poor girl had a wretched cold when she went, and it seemed worse – Took their fiacre (George had been waiting upstairs with Potter I know not how long, perhaps an hour) and got home in 1/4 hour at 12 –

Mrs. Barlow forty today –

Dawdling and musing – Very fine day –

WYAS Finding Number SH:7/ML/E/10/0037