Wednesday, May 6, 1829

1829

May

Wednesday 6

6 3/4

11 35/60

Reading as usual while Cameron did my hair, 2nd leçon, Laugier’s Chemistry –

Went out at 8 1/2 – Looked at several apartments, rue de la ville L’Évique – 10 bis, comfortable and large, a seconde, 3700 francs?  No. 12 rue Saussaies, narrow stairs, a seconde, plenty of rooms, small remise and 1 stall-stable.  Might do, 2500 francs per annum – But vide rue de Ponthieu No. 12, and above all, No. 4, same street, now occupied by Captain Collier, who has been there 3 years and leaves the apartment because now too small for his young family – 1800 francs per annum – Said to be 3 bedrooms and a large cabinet –

Returned by the Champs Elysées, and came in at 10 1/4 – Breakfast at 11 in 35 minutes – Enjoyed my breakfast for perhaps the 1st time since my return from England –

Before and after breakfast till 1 25/60, wrote out the whole of yesterday and so far of today – then till 4 10/60, wrote 4 pages, pretty small and close, and 1 page of envelope ditto, to Miss MacLean – to be sent tomorrow to Miss Hobart for the bag on Friday – For curiosity, I shall copy it just to see my manner of speaking of Miss Hobart, vide her praises of me at the top of this page and old Lady Stuart’s at the bottom of the last.

‘Paris, Place Neuve de la Madeleine No. 2,  Wednesday, 6 May, 1829.

Vere sent me your letter, Sibbella, yesterday afternoon, and the very sight of your two well filled sheets did me good – Your account of yourself, always the 1st thing I seek for and attend to, is tolerable – ‘Tis well you seem to have no pain anywhere – But what says Mr. Long to the expectorating so profusely?

I wish you were here – My dulness does not go off at all – In spite of green gardens, and lovely weather, I am, at heart, vapourish as ever – How is it? Why is it? It is not good to be alone, and I have never been so spoilt for my own fireside solitude as since my sojourn with you –

Vere is indeed a very nice girl; and five days with her, might have excused many a better person than I for being dull without her; but my present tristesse (which , by the way, is pretty well kept to myself) is deeper founded than you fancy – Somehow or other, I am beginning to be more keenly sensible than before of the worse than disagreeableness of circumstances with which you, at least, are perfectly acquainted – Perhaps Vere, without saying any thing very particular, led me to think for her and for myself in a train of seriousness of which she neither did, nor could guess the nature or the cause –

She read me her journal – It interested me much – It is so natural, so artless, I could have listened quite as long as you could have done; and literally, when the little book was done, my dulness began – To one who understood her, she would be all that hope could long for, or happiness require – But will she be understood ? She does not understand herself, as yet – She passes her life in much self-denial, and in endeavouring to be, and to persuade herself that she is, exactly that sort of calm, contentment-seeking, reasonable person, whose character is so well suited to the things that be – But Vere has more heart than she herself desires to have, or knows she has, and has too much natural quickness of feeling and talent not to require, at least, a moderate portion of both in that one, on whom the joy or sorrow of her life is henceforth to depend –

Sibbella, Vere is like you, in spite of all the circumstances that have so long and diligently contended against it – I should certainly fancy her attached to someone – But she has your shyness at heart; and the object of her regard might possibly be the last to discover her good fortune –

Sibbella, she is indeed a very nice girl – I think she is sometimes more gay in appearance, than in reality – One or 2 terms of conversation seemed, for the moment, to make her thoughtful – At all rates, she interested me much more than I expected; and though she might have been pleased with her journey with the novelty of liberty, and with the kindness and attentions of her aunt Sibbella’s friend, yet, trust me, mine was a feeling of interest that, for her own sake and for yours, will long survive her remembrance of me – I am not likely to have any opportunity of seeing much of her – I trust, she will soon be happily settled –

As for me, I know not as yet how I shall try to cheat myself into forgetfulness of that void, which leaves me space enough for vapourish thoughts to gather in – I am a strange person – you know not how often I have mused on what you told me about my stupidity at Esholt –

I have had a hundred schemes almost of necessity; for my aunt has talked seriously of returning to Shibden, where she would be with my father and sister, leaving me to take my 2 or 3 years’ travelling, that I have talked of these almost 20 years – What she will decide upon, I know not as yet – This unsettledness of plans is, perhaps, one cause of my present vapourishness – Had you been here, all would had been quiet and well –

I have just begun attending botanical lectures at the Jardin des Plantes, by way of amusement –

But amused or not, or grave or gay, it is not in my heart to write you (why did you dream of it in your last but one, received just after mine was sent off?) – It is not in my heart to write to you with pen of ice – No! No! See you do not know me yet – Had I cared less, I had behaved what you would have called better, during the 1st week of my being with you in London – We are strange beings ! Accuse me of anything but want of regard – This, at least, has not been my fault –

So I am to think differently respecting the honour of etc. etc. by and by – Well! Sibbella! be it so – I only wish to be just towards all; and, where I have the misfortune to be otherwise, it is indeed my judgment, not my heart, that is to blame – Forgive me for all I have ever said or done to annoy you –

Is Miss Hudson really dead?  I am always interested about poor Margaret Rexburgh, and, indeed, to have good accounts of all your fellow patients – Lucky, lucky man with the ladies!  There must be some secret manner of enchanting them – Simple, perhaps, but undiscoverable and marvellous, and successful as the shooting!

With respect to Mr. Long’s ideas of the analysis of the different substances around us, perhaps he will be interested by the following observation of M. Parrot, a savant of St. Petersburgh, (vide Bulletin des Sciences Naturelles and de Géologie for February, last page, 173) ‘Mais nous ne sommes pas encore au bout de la chimie, qui, j’espère, nous prouvera un jour que les corps sont susceptibles d’analyses nouvelles, qui nous découvrisont d’autres modes de composition que ceux que nous connaissons’ – What has been done about Mr. Long’s intended lecture at the Royal Institution? –

From the account of the footman, I should indeed fear, Miss Parker’s choice was not overladen with riches – But one may be happy without them; and I hope, she is so – Little indeed did I guess what were her plans when she drank tea with us – By the way, I got her recipe made up for Vere, at Dover – She has taken it occasionally ever since , and has never once been inconvenienced by her usual complaint –

The ball was very good – The supper magnificent and excellent – The utmost order, and nothing, not even a plate changing, wanted by anyone – As far as manner and appearance go, I admire Lady Stuart de Rothesay exceedingly – She has certainly done all that was civil to me – She looked uncommonly well at the ball, – Quite as our ambassadress should look, and did the honours beautifully –

I never got one glimpse of Vere the whole evening, but not there till 11, and came away before two – I looked for her, but, in such a crowd, it was in vain – No wonder, when she is nearsighted or appeared so on the journey, and I, though I never like to own it, cannot distinguish anyone at 3 or 4 yards’ distance in a room, unless there be some remarkable particularity of dress, or manner, or figure, that must strike even the purblind – No doubt, she would look well – I am quite sure she has good taste in dress – You say, she dances beautifully; and her manners are superlatively excellent – I have now forgotten that I ever thought her not quite tall enough – In fact, I admire her quite enough –

After what you tell me, I too, am glad, I happened to dine at Lady Stuart’s – The thing pleases me for your sake –

When can you come? I have been away from you above a fortnight – Then you ought to be here in six weeks – Oh! that you could come with Lady Stuart!  Then I should be sure of you – You are, at least, considered cured of one complaint, and without the remedy, the thought of which I certainly did not like – Have you still any remain of bowel complaint? Indeed, indeed, I wish you were altogether cured – But we must have no relapses – No obligation, on this account, to take the front bedroom so long allotted to you –

I rejoice you like your lodging so well, and only hope that the warranty against bugs is not humbug – What a pother to change one’s apartment! At least, it is a great pother to me – I really know not what we shall do as yet –

Oh! that you were at my elbow! If, in the event, my aunt should return to Shibden, and I make up my mind to take my great tour, what shall I do as to companionship? You must think about this for me – Seriously, what sort of person is Miss Mackenzie? Should we at all suit each other as companions in a long peregrination? I must have some staid, steady person, older than myself, strong enough to bear the ordinary fatigues of travelling, and ladylike enough, and sensible enough to be respected by a person like your humble servant – If you can find anyone not quite so much as 1/2 like yourself, I should be delighted – Too much like you, would not do – I would not think and feel again as I do, and have done for you, for all the world – You must advise me, or you must lead me, for you can do so –

Where is the ‘cold, heartless sheet’ I was to send you ……

I find my aunt very tolerably well, but very nervous on seeing me – Though I did, you say, take away your appetite, I certainly did not make use of it myself; for this morning was the first time I have eaten with appetite since leaving you – The effects of my sea-sickness are little more than just worn off –

What an account of Miss Bury! For pity’s sake, do not you go, and 1/2 kill yourself in any foolish way – I really begin to be absolutely impatient for your arrival here – What could possess me to think of your going to Guernsey; for can you not be quite cool here by staying quietly in the house till evening, and then breathe the delightful air, and listen to sweet sounds – to really very fair music – in the Champs Elysées? – Tell me, are you almost strong enough to bear the journey? . . . . .

Take care of yourself, and write as often as you can conveniently; for your letters do me more good than anything – The Barlows want me to go to Italy with them next winter – If I am to begin my grand tour, I must have a companion who will go farther than Italy –

I shall send this to Vere tomorrow to be ready for the bag on Friday – She was out with me one day (the day before the ball) for two hours, but I have not seen her since – I fancy Lady Stuart may prefer her not going out much, save with herself –

I am, in fact, much engaged – Lectures 3 days a week, and much writing on the intermediate days – But Vere reminds me of you; and you have never found me cold at heart – No! No! I am, and always shall be, Sibbella,

Very faithfully and affectionately yours,

AL –’

Before dinner till 5 35/60 and afterwards from 8 to 8 3/4, wrote out the 2 last pages and so far of this – Forest came at 5 35/60 to cut my hair and cut off a great deal – thinned and shortened it much – Dressed – Dinner at 6 1/4 – from 8 3/4 to 9 5/60 had a nap on my sofa – then came into the drawing room to my aunt and had coffee immediately – Staid talking to my aunt till 10 1/2 then came to my room –

Very fine day – Read leçon 8 Chimie Générale de Laugier till 11 1/4 –

WYAS Finding Numbers SH:7/ML/E/12/0015, SH:7/ML/E/12/0016, and SH:7/ML/E/12/0017